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So, I haven't been really active on deviantArt for awhile, almost a year. It's cause last year, I was busy with my IGCSE exams and this year, I started college. It's fun but because of the course I'm taking, there are a lot of assignments due every single week. Honestly, it's exhausting, and by joining a club which I'm active in, my days are pretty hectic. HOWEVER, the club I'm in really helps with relieving stress but I'm still struggling with a different kind of stress. 

Emotional stress and social anxiety. ((Everything after this is from what I have experienced but I dare not get myself tested so I hope this doesn't become an overly serious discussion))

I've always had social anxiety, that's why people keep saying that I act super shy at first then I suddenly open up, or if they're familiar with anime terms, they call me a dandere.  However, people fail to realise that this problem can cause a lot of stress and it can affect a person very badly when put on the spot or if pressured to act differently from what they're used too. Sadly, sometimes these people also tend to observe other people a lot so they can see the slight twitches of discomfort and annoyance that they feel. This automatically translate to extreme pressure and they start the acting process to make them "fit in" better.

So, that's what has happened to me in college. I have one friend that I'm somewhat comfortable with being with and then there's another friend that I'm "close" with but he's always treating me like a tsundere, so when I get seriously upset, he'll react like I'm in the wrong with the "OMG chill" look. So, I act more tsundere and force myself to not show my annoyance.(One of the main things that annoyed me was that, this year, I started to play dating sims on my iPad and cause I play it everyday, he assumes I play it always and would introduce me as Dating Sim girl. Thing is, I'm shy about playing dating sims so, I get super frustrated. And cause new people know me as it, they call me it too and you see the problem?) I snapped and told him off for it and he's stopped with the teasing but I honestly don't know anymore.

Anyway, since I have this anxiety problem, I can't befriend any of the "popular" kids and struggle with group work. This fact was shoved down my throat like tar recently because we had group work and we had to be in groups of 5. My friends and I only made up 3 people cause the other 2 bros were taken by other groups. So, to solve the problem, the lecturers asked everyone about which group should take which person. The guy friend was easily put into a group cause he likes nosing his way into group conversations(which I find to be very rude but they let him in easily since my class is mainly gamers.) My female friend(the closer one) is actually worse than me in socialism(according to her) as I started talking to her on our first day and she herself said that she wasn't planning on trying. So, it was a huge shock that when her name was called, immediately a group took her in while when I was called, the whole class was silent and waiting for each other to let me in. I actually laid my head down into my jacket to stop myself from crying. It was a huge shock and the fact that NO ONE wanted me just made me realise my place within that class. The outcast.

I got a group in the end and that group was the group that still functioned like a high school group. Have one(or two, with me in it) work hard and do everything while the other members just complained or didn't do anything. Just as I was starting to get comfortable with that group, my social anxiety kicked in. "Am I being too bossy?" "Should I stop talking?" and the worse thought that I've been thinking a lot lately(which I genuinely hate myself for) "Why not I just not care anymore like other people?" This thought was always on the back of my mind when it came to things. Why do I have to start college straight away when there are people my age which get a year off? Why do I have to learn to drive straight away when there are people that only started at the age of 20? Why do I have to work hard on group assignments when there are others just lazing around and not doing shit? Why can't I be like them? What makes these thoughts even worse is the fact that sometimes, I feel like just giving in and acting like so. BUT I don't. I CAN'T. When I see people stressing out, I just HAVE to help them. Turning a blind eye makes me feel horrible. Like a new small needle into my heart everytime I turn away. Seeing a beggar on the street or someone drop theirs things. My brain and body freeze, thinking everything over. "What if the beggar's a scammer?" "What if he'she thinks I'm weird cause I was taring and saw (s)he drop his/her things?" By the time I snap out of it, I can;t help anymore. MORE NEEDLES.

This is where my emotional turmoil comes from. My father pointed that out that this past week, I've been very hostile to everything against me. I made a HUGE ruckus over my driving test cause honestly, I snapped. Before that, my mother and brother made me snap. This occurrence is what some parents LOVE to say is typical teenage behaviour, giving attitude. Well, this is RARE for me. I usually snap when something pushes me over the edge. Back in high school, I would only snap when ONE thing was being poked at. My school band. Now that I'm out of it, you would think that I would stop snapping. I thought maybe band was a stress reliever for me, that's why I didn't snap as often. But then why isn't my dance club working the same way? I'm almost as "social" and active but it doesn't do something right.

That's when my dad said something a few weeks back that made EVERYTHING fall into place. We were talking about one of my closest friends and he says one line that literally broke me. I was hyperventilating and actually could not breathe. I couldn't stop crying and I could not get ANY air into my body. "She isn't going to be with you always. The same way she has a boyfriend, one day she's going to leave you and go live her life on a separate path. Your paths joined for awhile but they will split." Okay, it's more than one line BUT the thought was there. "My friend was leaving me." This friend was my emotional support for all these years and I finally realised that. I didn't know how to react when he said it. I was in shock, fear, sadness, anger and also, relief. I finally understood why everything has been like so and when I got home, into my room, I laid in bed and realised something I had to do. I had to stop seeing her. I had to start the split up cause if not, I'm going to be a problem, an annoyance, a BURDEN on her. Thing is though, I couldn't. I tried and my emotional instability got worse and worse. Everything started getting darker and darker and some days, I would go about school feeling absolutely nothing. Most of my MONDAYS(I only had one morning lecture), I go to class, listen to the lecture and go home. I don't socialize with ANYBODY and I usually get up and leave without saying anything to anyone. I contribute in class cause if not, the lecturer would point you out for your opinion and, in a way, baby you. I hate that. So I'll contribute then just hide behind my earphones and beanie. But the whole time, I would just feel numb and disconnected from everyone. The same lecturer even did a personality thing where he asked us to figure out what kind of person we are. The list was long but I fit just right into the second type. THE REGULAR GIRL/GUY. A person with a need to socialise and fir in. Biggest drawback, they lose their sense of self and their biggest fear, being left behind(alone).

So, back to my emotional imbalance. I tried to stop talking to her. Stop seeing her. But it didn't work. It back-fired to the maximum and whenever I see a picture of her online or the picture of her in my wallet slips out, I'm just reminded and everything in my being hurt. I felt like I was being driven insane and that made me more and more scared. I honestly feel terrible for this "condition" of mine. NOT cause it's my condition or its effects on me. But I feel terrible cause of what it's doing and going to do to my friend. I'm sure if she's reading this, she'll know exactly who she is and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for all the subconscious pressure I put onto you to be with me. I'm sorry for disturbing you whenever you get your free time to chill. I'm sorry that I kept coming over to your class to talk when, honestly, you could've just chilled with our other friend while I "hang out with my class gang." I'm sorry that I subconsciously forced you to be with me all the time and drag you to functions like band, even though you were busy. I'm sorry for having such low confidence, thus annoying you in the process. I'm sorry that I had to rely on you for so long. And, I'm sorry that I always do these kind of things to you. I can't get myself to say it in person and I can't get myself to tell you personally via private messaging because it feels like I'm pressuring you to stay with me. But even by doing it in this public way, I'm still pressuring you. But, as I'm typing this, I was thinking to myself, why am I typing this. Am I calling for help or am I seeing attention. Am I ranting and seeking relief, or am I trying to tell others that these feelings are normal and that we can hep each other.

I genuinely don't know anymore. Am I good or am I evil? Am I normal or am I desperate? Am I a friend or am I a burden? A curse? A disease?
  • Mood: Suffering
  • Listening to: Tick tock tick tock tick tock
  • Watching: the words fly across the screen
Tagged by: 
:iconokayilie:

Here's a fun little questionnaire for those of you that hold multiples ships. Here's what you do.
-Just answer each question with the name of one or more of your ships or whatever the question asks. xD
-Tag at least five friends to do this questionnaire too.
Simple as that. 
So have fun. ^^

1. How many ships do you currently have? (As in how many are currently dating/engaged/married/etc.)
Eeeeeer.......crap. Wait. I need to list them down....oh...wait.

2. Can you name all the pairings you have? (give their ship names too if they have one)
I'm assuming non-canon/crack ones too?(They'll be in brackets for now.)

(Rosie x Robin)
Minako x Manaela
Apple x Valerie

Rivet x Yui x Maroon
Elizabeth x Max

 --- OkayIlie 

Clow x Nebula
Ro x Zack
Thea x Thomas
Lily x Vivian x Marilyn
(Etc. x Ai x Jessie)
 ---roselinda889

Raven x Finn
(Ai x Lucian)
---MangaArtFan and MangaArtfansTwin

3. Who do you hold these ships with? (Name all the admins)
:iconokayilie: :iconxverdelet: :iconroselinda889: :iconmangaartfan: :iconmangaartfanstwin:

4. Which pair is the longest relationship?
In real life, the first couple was Zack x Ro but in the OC world, it would be Clow and Nebula, though they're the youngest in real time ^^"

5. Which pair is the newest relationship?
The NEWEST shipping would be Clow x Nebula cause they're the newest character couple.....yup!

6. Which ship is the most romantic?
I would have to say it's a tie between Raven x  Finn and Clow x Nebula cause both couples are romantic and sweet in their own way.

7. Which ship is the most messed up?
Valerie x Apple hands down because of all the hell they've both (and Cardxie) have been through thanks to Valerie's sister Victoria which kidnapped and tried to kill Apple and actually killed Cardxie at one point and the rest is a looooong story.

8. Which ship is the cutest?
Plz don't make me choose *hides*
JK, In terms of lovey-dovey, it'll be Yui x Maroon since they used to go on dates and just wander off on their own. Then Clow and Nebula too cause they have their romantic/sweet moments and their drama/messed up times too. ((Clow and Nebula are one of my couples that I see to be done as a game so there are, like, bad routes and good routes. ^^"))

9. Which ship is the most developed?
I develop all of the relationships well so I can't really answer which one is the MOST developed. BUT the least developed would be Thea and Thomas cause the plans I have for them go into high school then just kinda fades while the other ships have plans for them until around death and some even after. 

10. Which ship is closest to marriage? 
Elizabeth and Max are fiances. Ro and Zack have been planned to be wed when the time comes and not too sure on the Angelic duo honestly. I have one idea which is to get them wed while the other isn't as happy and end. Not sure yet.

11. Do any of the ships currently have children/pregnancy involved?
None yet. Maybe plans for the future for some of them?

12. Are any of them planning on having kids/trying to get pregnant? If so which one(s)?
Max and Elizabeth cause royal heirs and duties are important!

13. Which pair is the most compatible you think?
Clow and Nebula (they've been together for the longest time and support each other to balance each other out.)
Etc. and Ai (Ai stabilizes Etc's insanity while Etc protects and brings Ai's humanity(and emotional values) back)
Lily, Vivian and Marilyn (They support each other and help keep each other safe)

14. Any opposites attract?
Thea and Thomas. Thea's a happy-go-lucky prankster with an angelic appearance and has a tendency of getting into trouble while Thomas is a poker-faced genius of a kid which tries to avoid all forms of social activity but gets dragged around by Thea all the time.

15. Do you have a ship you love most? Why?
I-I......I CAN'T!!!! DON'T DO THIS TO ME PLEASE!!!!! *soooobs*

16. Which ship(s) have been intimate?
Clow and Nebula
Jasmine and (WIP Oc)

17. Got any virgin pairs? (Neither of them has had sex yet)
Max and Elizabeth
Manaela and Minako
Ro and Zack
Rivet, Yui and Maroon
Thea and Thomas
(I may have missed some out but I KNOW that Apple, Vivian, maybe Ai/Etc./Jessie has had sex already)

18. Got any secret ships/crack pairs?
Listed in the (...) above except one with my new OC for DRAMatical Murder, Shin Daiki, and one of :iconxverdelet:'s OCs. Not sure how I feel about those two but their first encounter was hilarious, to me.

19. You wanna tell us?
Told already >.>

20. Any admins you wish to ship with?
Maybe?

21. Wanna tell us who those admins are?

Nope

22. Got any favorite ship(s) that are not yours?
........
.....
YEEEEEEEEEEEES *fangirls* Most of :iconokayilie: 's

23. Got any ships that are not ships yet but are gonna be canon soon or in the future? VwV
Listed already TvT

24. Got any girlxgirl/boyxboy ships?

Boy x Boy:
Clow x Nebula
Jasmine x (WIP OC)

Girl x Girl:
Etc. x Ai x Jessie
Lily x Vivian x Marilyn


25. Which ship(s) do you think has the hottest couple?

Clow x Nebula
Val x Apple?

26. List your ships in order from oldest to newest. ^^
(Not 100% accurate but I tried)

Ro x Zack
Yui x Maroon
Valerie x Apple
(Rosie x Robin)
Elizabeth x Max
Yui x Rivet
Lily x Vivian x Marilyn
Thea x Thomas
Minako x Manaela
Clow x Nebula
Jasmine x (WIP Oc)
*insert all the doll ships(Doll group members: Ai, Raven, Etc., Jynx, Jessie)*

27. Who do you think will make the cutest babies?
Prettiest babies in terms of looks would be Rivet x Yui x Maroon(This seems wrong but love triangle and uwaaaaah TAT)
Prettiest in terms of unusual and unique features would be Elizabeth and Max I guess...((OkayIlie: I wanna see dem babies now))

28. Who do you think will make the prettiest bride? (Out of the female OCs you own)
Yui and Raven.
((I was debating whether I should make a joke by putting Nebula here XD))

29. Who do you think will make the handsomest groom? (Out of the male OCs you own)
Clow (He's number one the whole way baby~)

30. Who do you want to get married the most/or who's wedding would you be most excited for?
Clow/Nebula, Elizabeth/Max, Yui/Rivet or Maroon

Yay! You completed the questionnaire!
Now tag at least 5 people!!

I don't know 5 people sooo...
:iconmangaartfan: You and your sis!
Then anyone else who wants to do this, I tag you~

I'm not sure if biased or just cause I've been drawing them a LOOOT more now, but I really like Clow x Nebula, and the dolls.
  • Mood: Distressed
  • Listening to: Playlist of drawing/working songs
  • Watching: The % bar of an important program sloowly download
  • Eating: Guava
  • Drinking: Water
So, I haven't been really active on deviantArt for awhile, almost a year. It's cause last year, I was busy with my IGCSE exams and this year, I started college. It's fun but because of the course I'm taking, there are a lot of assignments due every single week. Honestly, it's exhausting, and by joining a club which I'm active in, my days are pretty hectic. HOWEVER, the club I'm in really helps with relieving stress but I'm still struggling with a different kind of stress. 

Emotional stress and social anxiety. ((Everything after this is from what I have experienced but I dare not get myself tested so I hope this doesn't become an overly serious discussion))

I've always had social anxiety, that's why people keep saying that I act super shy at first then I suddenly open up, or if they're familiar with anime terms, they call me a dandere.  However, people fail to realise that this problem can cause a lot of stress and it can affect a person very badly when put on the spot or if pressured to act differently from what they're used too. Sadly, sometimes these people also tend to observe other people a lot so they can see the slight twitches of discomfort and annoyance that they feel. This automatically translate to extreme pressure and they start the acting process to make them "fit in" better.

So, that's what has happened to me in college. I have one friend that I'm somewhat comfortable with being with and then there's another friend that I'm "close" with but he's always treating me like a tsundere, so when I get seriously upset, he'll react like I'm in the wrong with the "OMG chill" look. So, I act more tsundere and force myself to not show my annoyance.(One of the main things that annoyed me was that, this year, I started to play dating sims on my iPad and cause I play it everyday, he assumes I play it always and would introduce me as Dating Sim girl. Thing is, I'm shy about playing dating sims so, I get super frustrated. And cause new people know me as it, they call me it too and you see the problem?) I snapped and told him off for it and he's stopped with the teasing but I honestly don't know anymore.

Anyway, since I have this anxiety problem, I can't befriend any of the "popular" kids and struggle with group work. This fact was shoved down my throat like tar recently because we had group work and we had to be in groups of 5. My friends and I only made up 3 people cause the other 2 bros were taken by other groups. So, to solve the problem, the lecturers asked everyone about which group should take which person. The guy friend was easily put into a group cause he likes nosing his way into group conversations(which I find to be very rude but they let him in easily since my class is mainly gamers.) My female friend(the closer one) is actually worse than me in socialism(according to her) as I started talking to her on our first day and she herself said that she wasn't planning on trying. So, it was a huge shock that when her name was called, immediately a group took her in while when I was called, the whole class was silent and waiting for each other to let me in. I actually laid my head down into my jacket to stop myself from crying. It was a huge shock and the fact that NO ONE wanted me just made me realise my place within that class. The outcast.

I got a group in the end and that group was the group that still functioned like a high school group. Have one(or two, with me in it) work hard and do everything while the other members just complained or didn't do anything. Just as I was starting to get comfortable with that group, my social anxiety kicked in. "Am I being too bossy?" "Should I stop talking?" and the worse thought that I've been thinking a lot lately(which I genuinely hate myself for) "Why not I just not care anymore like other people?" This thought was always on the back of my mind when it came to things. Why do I have to start college straight away when there are people my age which get a year off? Why do I have to learn to drive straight away when there are people that only started at the age of 20? Why do I have to work hard on group assignments when there are others just lazing around and not doing shit? Why can't I be like them? What makes these thoughts even worse is the fact that sometimes, I feel like just giving in and acting like so. BUT I don't. I CAN'T. When I see people stressing out, I just HAVE to help them. Turning a blind eye makes me feel horrible. Like a new small needle into my heart everytime I turn away. Seeing a beggar on the street or someone drop theirs things. My brain and body freeze, thinking everything over. "What if the beggar's a scammer?" "What if he'she thinks I'm weird cause I was taring and saw (s)he drop his/her things?" By the time I snap out of it, I can;t help anymore. MORE NEEDLES.

This is where my emotional turmoil comes from. My father pointed that out that this past week, I've been very hostile to everything against me. I made a HUGE ruckus over my driving test cause honestly, I snapped. Before that, my mother and brother made me snap. This occurrence is what some parents LOVE to say is typical teenage behaviour, giving attitude. Well, this is RARE for me. I usually snap when something pushes me over the edge. Back in high school, I would only snap when ONE thing was being poked at. My school band. Now that I'm out of it, you would think that I would stop snapping. I thought maybe band was a stress reliever for me, that's why I didn't snap as often. But then why isn't my dance club working the same way? I'm almost as "social" and active but it doesn't do something right.

That's when my dad said something a few weeks back that made EVERYTHING fall into place. We were talking about one of my closest friends and he says one line that literally broke me. I was hyperventilating and actually could not breathe. I couldn't stop crying and I could not get ANY air into my body. "She isn't going to be with you always. The same way she has a boyfriend, one day she's going to leave you and go live her life on a separate path. Your paths joined for awhile but they will split." Okay, it's more than one line BUT the thought was there. "My friend was leaving me." This friend was my emotional support for all these years and I finally realised that. I didn't know how to react when he said it. I was in shock, fear, sadness, anger and also, relief. I finally understood why everything has been like so and when I got home, into my room, I laid in bed and realised something I had to do. I had to stop seeing her. I had to start the split up cause if not, I'm going to be a problem, an annoyance, a BURDEN on her. Thing is though, I couldn't. I tried and my emotional instability got worse and worse. Everything started getting darker and darker and some days, I would go about school feeling absolutely nothing. Most of my MONDAYS(I only had one morning lecture), I go to class, listen to the lecture and go home. I don't socialize with ANYBODY and I usually get up and leave without saying anything to anyone. I contribute in class cause if not, the lecturer would point you out for your opinion and, in a way, baby you. I hate that. So I'll contribute then just hide behind my earphones and beanie. But the whole time, I would just feel numb and disconnected from everyone. The same lecturer even did a personality thing where he asked us to figure out what kind of person we are. The list was long but I fit just right into the second type. THE REGULAR GIRL/GUY. A person with a need to socialise and fir in. Biggest drawback, they lose their sense of self and their biggest fear, being left behind(alone).

So, back to my emotional imbalance. I tried to stop talking to her. Stop seeing her. But it didn't work. It back-fired to the maximum and whenever I see a picture of her online or the picture of her in my wallet slips out, I'm just reminded and everything in my being hurt. I felt like I was being driven insane and that made me more and more scared. I honestly feel terrible for this "condition" of mine. NOT cause it's my condition or its effects on me. But I feel terrible cause of what it's doing and going to do to my friend. I'm sure if she's reading this, she'll know exactly who she is and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for all the subconscious pressure I put onto you to be with me. I'm sorry for disturbing you whenever you get your free time to chill. I'm sorry that I kept coming over to your class to talk when, honestly, you could've just chilled with our other friend while I "hang out with my class gang." I'm sorry that I subconsciously forced you to be with me all the time and drag you to functions like band, even though you were busy. I'm sorry for having such low confidence, thus annoying you in the process. I'm sorry that I had to rely on you for so long. And, I'm sorry that I always do these kind of things to you. I can't get myself to say it in person and I can't get myself to tell you personally via private messaging because it feels like I'm pressuring you to stay with me. But even by doing it in this public way, I'm still pressuring you. But, as I'm typing this, I was thinking to myself, why am I typing this. Am I calling for help or am I seeing attention. Am I ranting and seeking relief, or am I trying to tell others that these feelings are normal and that we can hep each other.

I genuinely don't know anymore. Am I good or am I evil? Am I normal or am I desperate? Am I a friend or am I a burden? A curse? A disease?
  • Mood: Suffering
  • Listening to: Tick tock tick tock tick tock
  • Watching: the words fly across the screen

deviantID

roselinda889
xKobal
Malaysia
Hi, I'm Roselinda889 and I'm not what you would call a good writer as you can see in my journal.I'm not that much of an artist either so I'll say I'm average.I'm serious, I don't do much.Reading is minimal, sports are rarely done and stuff like that. Watching anime is the only thing I'll have to say which I commonly do(Anime and manga).So I guess I'll leave it at that and just say....bye.

Current Residence: Malaysia
Favourite genre of music: I don't know
Favourite cartoon character: Belphegor and Fran from KHR
Interests

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:icondark-infamous:
Dark-Infamous Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Happy birthday :3
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:iconokayilie:
OkayIlie Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
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:iconng9:
ng9 Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2013  Hobbyist

Thanks for the "Ren Jinguji In The Library." fave :) Heart Pixel Rose 

 

Anime-Manga gallery: ng9.deviantart.com/gallery/415…

STRISH gallery: ng9.deviantart.com/gallery/436…

 

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:iconiberissaxx:
iBeRissaxx Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
MY BOOKMARK!! :D fav.me/d5462ek
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altugisler Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013  Professional Filmographer
Thanks for the fav! =)
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:iconroselinda889:
roselinda889 Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2013
You're welcome
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:iconxverdelet:
xVerdelet Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013  Student Writer
Hey, just thought of this. If you feel like reading a cool manga, go read Illumination. The whole thing's on mangafox
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:iconmangaartfan:
MangaArtFan Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
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Ivel-Xx Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the fav' :)
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roselinda889 Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013
You're welcome~
:iconxd--plz:
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