So, I haven't been really active on deviantArt for awhile, almost a year. It's cause last year, I was busy with my IGCSE exams and this year, I started college. It's fun but because of the course I'm taking, there are a lot of assignments due every single week. Honestly, it's exhausting, and by joining a club which I'm active in, my days are pretty hectic. HOWEVER, the club I'm in really helps with relieving stress but I'm still struggling with a different kind of stress.
Emotional stress and social anxiety. ((Everything after this is from what I have experienced but I dare not get myself tested so I hope this doesn't become an overly serious discussion))
I've always had social anxiety, that's why people keep saying that I act super shy at first then I suddenly open up, or if they're familiar with anime terms, they call me a dandere. However, people fail to realise that this problem can cause a lot of stress and it can affect a person very badly when put on the spot or if pressured to act differently from what they're used too. Sadly, sometimes these people also tend to observe other people a lot so they can see the slight twitches of discomfort and annoyance that they feel. This automatically translate to extreme pressure and they start the acting process to make them "fit in" better.
So, that's what has happened to me in college. I have one friend that I'm somewhat comfortable with being with and then there's another friend that I'm "close" with but he's always treating me like a tsundere, so when I get seriously upset, he'll react like I'm in the wrong with the "OMG chill" look. So, I act more tsundere and force myself to not show my annoyance.(One of the main things that annoyed me was that, this year, I started to play dating sims on my iPad and cause I play it everyday, he assumes I play it always and would introduce me as Dating Sim girl. Thing is, I'm shy about playing dating sims so, I get super frustrated. And cause new people know me as it, they call me it too and you see the problem?) I snapped and told him off for it and he's stopped with the teasing but I honestly don't know anymore.
Anyway, since I have this anxiety problem, I can't befriend any of the "popular" kids and struggle with group work. This fact was shoved down my throat like tar recently because we had group work and we had to be in groups of 5. My friends and I only made up 3 people cause the other 2 bros were taken by other groups. So, to solve the problem, the lecturers asked everyone about which group should take which person. The guy friend was easily put into a group cause he likes nosing his way into group conversations(which I find to be very rude but they let him in easily since my class is mainly gamers.) My female friend(the closer one) is actually worse than me in socialism(according to her) as I started talking to her on our first day and she herself said that she wasn't planning on trying. So, it was a huge shock that when her name was called, immediately a group took her in while when I was called, the whole class was silent and waiting for each other to let me in. I actually laid my head down into my jacket to stop myself from crying. It was a huge shock and the fact that NO ONE wanted me just made me realise my place within that class. The outcast.
I got a group in the end and that group was the group that still functioned like a high school group. Have one(or two, with me in it) work hard and do everything while the other members just complained or didn't do anything. Just as I was starting to get comfortable with that group, my social anxiety kicked in. "Am I being too bossy?" "Should I stop talking?" and the worse thought that I've been thinking a lot lately(which I genuinely hate myself for) "Why not I just not care anymore like other people?" This thought was always on the back of my mind when it came to things. Why do I have to start college straight away when there are people my age which get a year off? Why do I have to learn to drive straight away when there are people that only started at the age of 20? Why do I have to work hard on group assignments when there are others just lazing around and not doing shit? Why can't I be like them? What makes these thoughts even worse is the fact that sometimes, I feel like just giving in and acting like so. BUT I don't. I CAN'T. When I see people stressing out, I just HAVE to help them. Turning a blind eye makes me feel horrible. Like a new small needle into my heart everytime I turn away. Seeing a beggar on the street or someone drop theirs things. My brain and body freeze, thinking everything over. "What if the beggar's a scammer?" "What if he'she thinks I'm weird cause I was taring and saw (s)he drop his/her things?" By the time I snap out of it, I can;t help anymore. MORE NEEDLES.
This is where my emotional turmoil comes from. My father pointed that out that this past week, I've been very hostile to everything against me. I made a HUGE ruckus over my driving test cause honestly, I snapped. Before that, my mother and brother made me snap. This occurrence is what some parents LOVE to say is typical teenage behaviour, giving attitude. Well, this is RARE for me. I usually snap when something pushes me over the edge. Back in high school, I would only snap when ONE thing was being poked at. My school band. Now that I'm out of it, you would think that I would stop snapping. I thought maybe band was a stress reliever for me, that's why I didn't snap as often. But then why isn't my dance club working the same way? I'm almost as "social" and active but it doesn't do something right.
That's when my dad said something a few weeks back that made EVERYTHING fall into place. We were talking about one of my closest friends and he says one line that literally broke me. I was hyperventilating and actually could not breathe. I couldn't stop crying and I could not get ANY air into my body. "She isn't going to be with you always. The same way she has a boyfriend, one day she's going to leave you and go live her life on a separate path. Your paths joined for awhile but they will split." Okay, it's more than one line BUT the thought was there. "My friend was leaving me." This friend was my emotional support for all these years and I finally realised that. I didn't know how to react when he said it. I was in shock, fear, sadness, anger and also, relief. I finally understood why everything has been like so and when I got home, into my room, I laid in bed and realised something I had to do. I had to stop seeing her. I had to start the split up cause if not, I'm going to be a problem, an annoyance, a BURDEN on her. Thing is though, I couldn't. I tried and my emotional instability got worse and worse. Everything started getting darker and darker and some days, I would go about school feeling absolutely nothing. Most of my MONDAYS(I only had one morning lecture), I go to class, listen to the lecture and go home. I don't socialize with ANYBODY and I usually get up and leave without saying anything to anyone. I contribute in class cause if not, the lecturer would point you out for your opinion and, in a way, baby you. I hate that. So I'll contribute then just hide behind my earphones and beanie. But the whole time, I would just feel numb and disconnected from everyone. The same lecturer even did a personality thing where he asked us to figure out what kind of person we are. The list was long but I fit just right into the second type. THE REGULAR GIRL/GUY. A person with a need to socialise and fir in. Biggest drawback, they lose their sense of self and their biggest fear, being left behind(alone).
So, back to my emotional imbalance. I tried to stop talking to her. Stop seeing her. But it didn't work. It back-fired to the maximum and whenever I see a picture of her online or the picture of her in my wallet slips out, I'm just reminded and everything in my being hurt. I felt like I was being driven insane and that made me more and more scared. I honestly feel terrible for this "condition" of mine. NOT cause it's my condition or its effects on me. But I feel terrible cause of what it's doing and going to do to my friend. I'm sure if she's reading this, she'll know exactly who she is and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for all the subconscious pressure I put onto you to be with me. I'm sorry for disturbing you whenever you get your free time to chill. I'm sorry that I kept coming over to your class to talk when, honestly, you could've just chilled with our other friend while I "hang out with my class gang." I'm sorry that I subconsciously forced you to be with me all the time and drag you to functions like band, even though you were busy. I'm sorry for having such low confidence, thus annoying you in the process. I'm sorry that I had to rely on you for so long. And, I'm sorry that I always do these kind of things to you. I can't get myself to say it in person and I can't get myself to tell you personally via private messaging because it feels like I'm pressuring you to stay with me. But even by doing it in this public way, I'm still pressuring you. But, as I'm typing this, I was thinking to myself, why am I typing this. Am I calling for help or am I seeing attention. Am I ranting and seeking relief, or am I trying to tell others that these feelings are normal and that we can hep each other.
I genuinely don't know anymore. Am I good or am I evil? Am I normal or am I desperate? Am I a friend or am I a burden? A curse? A disease?
Listening to: Tick tock tick tock tick tock
Watching: the words fly across the screen